I'm going to go back to something I know very well. The failure of a relationship. Yeah, I know, sounds depressing and ominous, but hey, what is a blog for?
I am not going to go back over the past again. Just suffice it to say it has been a bumpy ride. Two marriages, two divorces.
Now, here is the part I am not sure I understand. I am dating this wonderful man. I have been for 7 months now. He has had some bad relationships himself. Both of us have talked and recognize that we have baggage, but we are really getting through it. Things are good and he seems to want to be in this for the long haul. But you see, thats just it. Is he? What am I questioning? Not his love, not his loyalty, not his devotion.
I must digress, two days ago my mom called me. I told her about my plans for moving to Arizona with this man and his son. She was excited and asked me this simple question, "What are his intentions toward you?" I didn't have an answer. I did, but I was suddenly unsure of what the actual truthful answer was to her question. So tonight I told him I had told her about Arizona and then I told him what her question had been. His answer floored me. He said, "My intention is to move to Arizona". He said it with such force it surprised me. I'm still floored.
What his statement meant to me was exactly what he said. If I go or not, he is going. He wants me to go. He has asked me and expressed what I thought was his desire to have me be with him for the long haul. Maybe this isn't so, maybe he just feels that it is necessary to ask me, just because he can't figure out how to move without me. I hope not.
A month or so ago we visited Arizona. While we were there he had a discussion with his aunt and uncle about a family member who wouldn't take the husbands family name. He was very adamant is his expression that was something that meant a lot to him. So I texted him and asked him if he would let me take his name someday. His simple answer was, "Yes".
Tonight's expression really hit me hard. I had found something on the web that expressed the meaning of a mans name. "Where he puts his name, he places his faith. He gives his name to the things that are closest to his heart." I was going to share this with him tonight.I was hoping that maybe he would feel close enough to me to share his name. Even if we were not married, I would proudly take his name and make it mine. Now, I guess that is not what he intends.
How silly of me to place such a dream in my head. Now I have to get it out, and I am not sure how.
I'll never tell him I had such a hope. I think he knows, and he chooses not to do it. It is his right, his perogative. It was just a dream, a silly silly dream.